Accepting Your New Body: How to Deal With Weight-Restoration

One of the biggest challenges of weight restoring, besides the actual weight gain, is accepting your new body. Acceptance in ED recovery is hands down the most important element for success. That's because eating disorders thrive on denial. When you're engulfed in your disorder, you refuse to believe you're "sick enough". That the extreme exercise you're doing is actually making you feel "good" and that eating too little "is okay". You deny deny deny. Anyone who tries to expose the reality is the enemy. Anyone who can see through your irrationality is out to get you. You refuse to accept that you're slowly dying.

That you're sick and you need to stop killing yourself.

That you need to walk away from the gym because it's hurting you, not making you stronger.

That you have weight to gain and food to eat and demons to overcome.

That you actually have to ACCEPT help and push yourself beyond the disgusting comfort your disorder has brought you.

Acceptance.

In the years of health and happiness I've been so fortunate to have post-ED, I must say I've become a very accepting person. And this ability has allowed me to free myself from many of my demons. However, today I want to talk about acceptance in a specific situation, and that is acceptance of your new, healthy, weight restored body.

Last night I attended a Christmas party for my honors program here at school. Of course one of my friends rallied everyone up and wanted to take pictures. Later that night, when she sent them to the group chat, I couldn't help but notice my body. I'm a very active person; I lift heavy and eat good. I have a nutritious and balanced intake. I work hard to keep my body healthy and happy. However, looking at these pictures, I was angry. At first, I hated the way I looked. I picked apart body parts left and right, thinking that all of the effort I put into my lifestyle isn't paying off.

And then I was frustrated that I even let myself think that. I realized that in that ignorant moment, I had forgotten why I live the way I do.

My body, after years of damage, is finally functioning normally and healthily again. My hair doesn't fall out anymore. Instead, it's so thick that I've broken more hair ties than I can count. My skin is clear (excluding the occasion college/stress related break out :P), my nails don't break constantly anymore. My veins no longer lay at the surface of my forearms and calves, ready to jump out of my skin. I don't bruise at the touch anymore. My eyes have light, and the deep lines on my face are filled in with healthful skin. I sleep with my air conditioning on regardless of the temperature outside because instead of being freezing every waking second of my life, I'm actually pretty warm most of the time. I no longer grow unattractive fuzz on nearly every surface of my body in an effort to keep myself warm. I can squat heavy and lift heavy and kick ass in the gym. I am strong enough to walk around campus all day without feeling dizzy and lightheaded.

Alright. So I'm not super "lean", my thighs touch and my booty is filled out. I don't have abs, and most of the time I don't have any trace of them. I tend to hold most of my weight in my lower stomach and legs. That's just how I was made. In the past, I would have rebelled against science to reverse this. I was desperate to look a certain way. So much so that I was willing to sacrifice everything I listed above, as well as the thousands of other benefits of recovery, in order to do so.

Last night, after reminding myself of how much I love my body for the life it has allowed to me to live, I was able to accept my body and it's appearance. So what it doesn't look like hers or how I would like it to? Sure, I could go out of my to "lean out" or to change my body, but I'm so content with my life and my freedom with food and my relationship with exercise that I wouldn't DARE sacrifice it for the world. Everyday is a chance to accept who you are.

I encourage all of you, wherever you may be in your journey, to accept your body for more than what it looks like. To all of you who are currently struggling, or who are in the process of weight restoring, you have to accept that you have no other choice. You have to remind yourself that your body is simply a shell for your soul, a vehicle for your life. Your lifestyle choices should be ones that you're passionate about and enjoy. You shouldn't be leading a certain life for the sole purpose of aesthetic appeal. You have to accept accept accept everything that comes your way and work with it, not against it.

Some days acceptance is harder than others. Accepting a new body is beyond challenging, but not impossible. See your body for what it does for you and accept what that may look like. Nothing in the world is worth sacrificing your happiness for.

I hope this was helpful to at least one struggling soul out there. Sending love as always!