Why I'm Strong for Letting Go: Vacation Edition

I'm sure you've heard this before, but I'll remind you again. When you're suffering from your eating disorder, so is everyone around you. You take your family and your friends down with you. ED makes you selfish. You become so self-absorbed and your need to be in control of every little aspect of your life prevents you from being free. You can no longer be spontaneous and integrate yourself into activities that are out of your control.

If it sounds like I have a more specific focus in mind, it's because I do. When you refuse to be free, you lock yourself away. But you don't get away that easily. Nope. A family is a family, always, and as much as your ED would love to act independently of everyone and everything, that's not how it works. I battled anorexia for most of my teenage life. During that time, I refused to eat anything besides the "safe" foods that I prepared myself, at the dictated times I believed were the "right" times to eat. I couldn't be out of this control. So every year, when my three younger sisters begged to go on vacations, my parents had to come up with excuse after excuse for why it wouldn't work at that time. But of course they were just covering up for me. They knew I would never, ever, calmly agree to go on VACATION. Could you imagine?! I wouldn't be able to cook my own meals. I'd have to eat "unhealthy" foods that SOMEONE ELSE MADE. I probably wouldn't have access to a gym, or wouldn't get to go at the time I religiously worked out at. I'd have to eat with my FAMILY, not alone and isolated. I wouldn't be able to count the minutes between each bite because I wouldn't have two hours to eat a meal. I'd have to wear a bathing suit in front of other people. I wouldn't get to plan my meals out the night before in my head, down to the gram. I would have no CONTROL.

So vacation? Nice try.

For four years, as my innocent and fun-seeking little sisters grew up, they were constantly rejected a vacation. My parents, who not only worked so diligently and tirelessly at work and to take care of four young children, but also dedicated their entire beings to my illness, never once took a vacation to relieve the stress they were under. My entire family missed out on the beauty of vacation.

All because of me.

In 10 days, my family and I are going on vacation for the first time in what feels like my life. We've never gone away for Christmas, but as with nearly everything else in my life, I'm at a point of change. So over the summer, when I suggested a VACATION, my parents almost cried. My sisters were in shock. Angie wants to go on VACATION!? This was unheard of.

It feels beyond amazing, indescribable really, to look forward to being out of control. In the past, giving up control and giving into relaxation and luxury would have angered me. It would have made me weak. I had willpower, I mean look how sick I was! I stronger than to give in!

How IRRATIONAL does that sound? In 10 days, I am going to a tropical island where I will eat whatever, whenever, prepared by whoever, in the company of my family. I'll wear bathing suits on the beach, no matter what my body looks like. If there's a gym and I have the time, I'll work out because it's my hobby and it brings me peace, NOT because I hate my body. But if not? BIG DEAL. Life is greater than those silly things. There's more important things out there for me to experience, and I refuse to miss out on one more because of the GYM. I refuse!

I'm strong for giving in. I'm strong for letting go. Why is this so hard for so many of us to see? I can say this today and truly mean it. I'm so proud of my turnaround in mindset. I'm EXCITED to let go. I'm not weak for taking a week or two off of the routine I have now. Sure, I love having a routine, I love cooking my own meals, I love my nutritious snack foods and recipes. I love waking up early and kicking ass every morning in the gym.

But I also love my family. I can't give back what I've taken from them in the past, but it's never too late to make the effort. A week and a half of different food and limited exercise will NOT KILL ME. In fact, I'm excited for this change. Since getting better, I'm constantly curious as to new routines, new foods, new activities.

I've been able to dissociate ME from MY BODY. I live a health-conscious, active, and wholesome lifestyle. I love to be active, but I also love to crash on my bed for hours on end watching 30 Rock. I love my veggies and what not, but my sweet tooth gets its fair share of attending to as well. A vacation in the past would have automatically translated into extreme restriction and a sky-rocket in exercise in order to look a certain way for the trip.

What's funny is that I'm almost doing the opposite. Recently, I've upped my intake significantly because it FEELS better to me. I'm home, meaning I'm not walking miles on end each day to school and around the neighborhood. I'm sitting and eating a lot in the days leading up to this trip. My body may not look "ideal" or how I'd like it to in a perfect world. But a perfect world is nonsense. I'm the strongest and healthiest I've ever been. I'm not lean, by any means, but I'd much rather look back on vacation photos and have a sparkle in my eye and my family smiling around me than be shrunken away, skin and bones, empty eyes.

My family doesn't deserve another second of suffering. I owe them the world. But for now, the least I can do is share my health with them. Which isn't all that far off, because if you have your health and loved ones to share it with, isn't that worth the world anyway?