What's On My Mind: My Experience With Exercise Restriction and Recovery

I loooooove Instagram. I love how may relationships it has allowed me to have and how many drool-worthy pictures of food I get to see throughout the day. I love the ability to share my experiences with those who could benefit from them. What I don't love so much, however, is to see so many people out there struggling. I come in contact with so many beautiful souls who are hurting, who are tortured by their ED's. Seeing so many people living life under that dark cloud I had once known frustrates me. All I want is for each and every person struggling to get their lives back, to win this battle. So when I see and hear of the irrational choices these people make, I can't help but to step in. I'm not sure where this post will go honestly. It will most likely just be a ramble of many things that I have been dying to get out there. So if you're in recovery, or "recovery", keep reading. I hope this reaches someone who needs it.

First of all, if you have weight to restore, exercise is not an option. If gaining weight is bringing you anxiety and seems unbearable, DEAL WITH IT. You're fighting for YOUR LIFE back, remember? That fight has to be hard. It's a life or death battle. Think about how serious that is! If you want it, FIGHT FOR IT. In other words, if it seems hard, that's because it's supposed to be.

I have so many people argue with me, saying that if they could just exercise while gaining weight it will help them feel "strong" and it will relieve the anxiety.

That's complete and total bullshit. You're not strong right now.

I'm sorry. The recovery path must be lead by tough love, and this is me providing it. ED makes you beyond irrational. You're ignorant and frankly can't see clearly. Being stern and upfront will only help you snap out faster. That being said, if you're truly fighting, if you truly are going to beat this disorder, you have to GIVE IN. Surrender. Give up. Why are you resisting so hard? Don't you want a sparkle in your eyes, radiant skin, a contagious laugh? Don't you want to wake up each morning and be THANKFUL that you did, instead of wishing you didn't?

I feel that I have a right to say the things I am saying because I went through this first hand. When I was weight restoring, I was on complete and absolute exercise restriction. This was the hardest mental hurdle for me. I was addicted to exercise. I thought that the feeling I got after a work out was one of strength. I thought exercise was making me strong. I thought that since I worked out, I was "fit", and therefore everyone around me would think so too.

What I didn't realize for far too long was that I was wrong. I was frail and my bones protruded out of every visible body part. Those weren't the muscles I wanted them so desperately to be, they were just a result of no body fat. I was sick, I was eating way too little and working out way too much. I thought people around me saw me as healthy and fit, as strong for pushing myself so hard. What I now realize is that they saw a girl with so many insecurities, so stubborn. They didn't see health and fitness. They saw illness, they saw crazy, and they sure as hell didn't look up to me like I thought they did.

You see, exercise is not helping you in any way. I see so many people in "recovery" on my feed, upping their intake and facing fear foods. That's wonderful, and I'm not undermining that for a second. However, I can't continue to praise you if you compensate these wins. I read that so many of you have high levels of anxiety after a few days of no movement coupled with heightened intake. Guess what? THAT IS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. That's no excuse to go on a run or hit the gym. "But working out makes me feel better, I have so much energy now, blah blah blah". Sorry, but that's your ED talking. It's been three days since you last exercised? Guess what? You're in recovery, and exercise isn't a part of your vocabulary right now. You have to accept that. Recovery is all about acceptance. The more stubborn you are to accept the fact that right now, you have to eat and eat and stay stationary, the less likely you are to EVER recover.

I was banned form exercise for about four months straight. I watched as my sister ran miles upon miles, slicing her times each week. I watched as my other sister took up Zumba classes, sometimes two in one day. I watched as mom did tape after tape in her room, recruiting all three of my sisters and rejecting my crying pleas to join. I watched my fellow teammates train for the upcoming club volleyball season, as I sat on my bed and watched Netflix and studied for what felt like years on end.

So yes, I know first hand what it's like to want so desperately to exercise, to prove to everyone I'm just as strong and capable as they are, that I'm not less. However, here's the difference between a few of you and myself. I STUCK WITH IT. I wanted to give up every day, every time I saw my sisters lace up their sneakers, every time I saw someone on Snapchat take a mirror selfie at the gym. I cried every day.

But I never gave up.

Because here's the thing. When you're fighting for something as serious as your life, you have to commit or... There is no other option. You commit, with you heart and your soul and even your irrational mind. You can't see it now, but everyone around you sees right through your excuses for working out. There's not a single valid excuse out there. If you are trying to recover and restore your body, WHAT ARE YOU DOING EXERCISING?! Are you doing it to maintain an image with others? Newsflash, nobody is impressed that you're taking the easy way out and half-assing your recovery. Are you doing it to feel better about yourself? I have a question for you. You feel GOOD when you give up? When you run yourself into the ground with workouts that are only bringing you closer to a hospital bed and further from life itself?

I sincerely apologize if this comes off as rude, or mean, or heartless. Because it is exactly the opposite. I was in your shoes. I fought this hell of a disorder for years. I'm frustrated to see constant relapses and poor choices that are pathetically "justified". This frustration leaves me with no choice but to be blunt, to deliver the reality and shove it in your face. YOU NEED TO HEAR THE TRUTH.

If you're in recovery and have been truly sticking to no exercise, I'm so beyond proud of you. I hope this post resonates with your own reasoning and that you continue to fight. You're making the right choice every day, and for that you are stronger than a mere weight can ever make you.

If you're in "recovery" and circumventing your progress with "coping exercise", I hope this post wakes up the rational voice inside of you. I hope you can understand the dire need for you to just STOP. Stop killing yourself. Stop justifying it. Stop pitying yourself. It's freakin' hard, this recovery thing. That doesn't mean you don't "deserve" it. EVERYONE WAS GIVEN A LIFE TO LIVE, why is yours any less? I have no patience for those who pity themselves because there is no rational reason that you are any less. You don't need exercise, or other people, or anything external at all, to justify your worth and well being. YOU ARE ENOUGH.

You're not strong because you "got in an awesome workout". You're strong BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T.

I love you all so so much, and it puts me in so much pain to see so many of you making the same mistakes I did for years. Once I finally kicked myself into gear, surrendered whatever control I had left, and simply let myself recover, I found peace and self-love. I found strength and happiness and FREEDOM. All I want is for you all to do the same.

I can give advice upon advice for hours on end, but to what avail? In the end, it all comes down to you and your choices. So make good ones.

What are you waiting for?

Sending (TOUGH) love, xoxo