How Making Myself Vulnerable Changed My Life: My Account Finding It's Way Into My Personal Life

Back in January, after a vacation to Aruba, I posted a transformation photo on my wellness Instagram.

That was a few thousand followers ago, so for those who are new, I posted it above.

It was that image that changed my life.

It blew up. I had no expectations of it reaching so many corners of the Internet, of being reposted so many times, of getting likes in a volume beyond my comprehension. I was floored.

Until that point, my Instagram was a secret. I was never a private account, because that felt restrictive, but I never spoke a word of my account’s existence to anyone in my life. It began as a foundation for my anorexia recovery, a place to hold myself accountable for following my meal plan and for putting on the copious amount of weight I had foolishly lost in the midst of an illness. Eventually, once I was weight-restored for over a year and leading a normal life, my account transitioned into a wellness platform. Post-ED, I found my calling. I began to lead a health-conscious lifestyle. I valued the power of natural, real food, of balance and variety in my exercise routine, and the importance of mental peace and body positivity. These were the values I identified with. This was who I was.

And yet, it was still a secret.

I never once considered sharing my account with anyone in my life. My mom eventually pieced things together early on after the constant photographing of my food followed by a phone that was constantly blowing up with notifications. So she knew, and she told my family. But that was it. My best friends had no clue. My peers at school, my teammates, my coaches and teachers…nobody had a clue. It never occurred to me that the most important people in my life had no idea who I truly was. I never talked about my passion for real food, about my love for the gym, about the importance of accepting your body and being confident in its abilities. My relationships could never be as deep as I expected them to be. How could they? Half of the relationship was hidden, never discussed, a taboo.

When I posted my transformation, it went viral. Without me knowing, it was popping up on popular pages in all walks of life, from my best friends to the girls I had one class with freshman year, to old teammates. I’ll never forget how deep my heart sunk when I was standing in Claire’s at the mall, two days after I posted the image. I was holding my sister’s hand as she was getting an ear piercing. A text came in, from an old friend I haven’t talked to in years. She told me the image came up on her popular page, that she was speechless and expressed her pride in my feat. At first, I was embarrassed. I knew she couldn’t be the only one. Ten minutes later, at least fifteen more messages came through. I had to go to my car and just sit idling in the Macy’s parking lot, not knowing how to feel. There were so many emotions.

I was scared, because now I was exposed. I had no safe haven anymore. I was vulnerable. They read my words, saw my body, knew my secrets. Not only did they have this image at their fingertips, they had my entire feed to scroll through. A year and a half of food, of recovery struggles and painful venting. I felt violated, but the feeling proved ephemeral. The words that were flooding my inbox were so heartfelt, so genuine, so comforting. My closest friends provided tear-filled phone calls; my acquaintances supplied praise and admiration. I couldn’t be angry in the face of so much LOVE.

Here I am six months later. I live in a relatively large town; my graduating class was 800 kids. I have three sisters, and being social creatures, they each have plenty of friends that are mutually mine. I have A LOT of followers from my town, whether they be the girl that sits next to my sister in History who I’ve never met, to my closest friends’ moms. My point is that my life is no longer a secret. And I no longer feel the need for it to be one.

My life has changed drastically since my account has become so public in relation to my personal life. I now hold the reputation that I was always hesitant to provide for myself. People now know me as a girl who leads a healthy lifestyle, who is knowledgeable about wellness and mental illness and body image. My friends and family finally, FINALLY, know who I really am. My relationships have grown incredibly strong as a result. Even my social life is thriving as a result.

My friends now make my recipes, take my body image advice, and overall have just accepted me with open arms. I went to a party yesterday, and my friends have always known I don’t drink. I always attributed my decision to me being the DD, or having to be up early in the morning, or any other excuse I could conjure up. However, I no longer have to hide. They know I don’t drink because it’s my personal choice. They know I value feeling good and treating my body well, and that for ME, personally, drinking would destroy that for me. I’m fun and outgoing on a sober mind, and that has always been enough for me. I walked into the basement yesterday and the host surprised me with a BOTTLE OF KOMBUCHA. She hugged me and said she’s seen on my account that I drink this, that since learning about it through me she’s started drinking it to, and a bunch of our friends as well. She knows I don’t drink, but still went out of her way to make me feel included. I was beyond flattered; I’ve never felt so much respect and in love in one gesture. I’m so much more comfortable going out and making healthful decisions in the face of my peers because now they truly understand that this is who I am.

Another incredible feat of my exposure has been the eradication of body image stigma and eating struggles in teenage girls. Let me explain. My friends who follow my account now have a relatable, real source to remind them that they’re not alone in the eating and body issues. I would have had no idea how many people in my life suffer from body discomfort. Now that they have found my account and have realized that this is a real problem, that it’s OKAY to talk about it, they’ve come to me. I’m overwhelmed by how many of my close friends have reached out to me to talk out their problems. These are girls that are so prominent in my life, that mean so much to me, and I would have had NO IDEA of their issues. There is a stigma surrounding bodies, as if they’re a huge taboo to talk about with other teenage girls. I truly believe that providing what mere hope I can through my account has helped to decrease this stigma. My friends now come to me to talk about body image issues that are all too familiar to me. I’m so thankful they’re talking about them; once they realize they aren’t alone, they can work towards accepting their bodies. My account has allowed me to become a familiar source that they can approach. So many of the beautiful, loving, straight up AMAZING young women in my life have come to me to simply vent, to ask for advice, and to find a relatable source. My heart is full knowing that I can try to steer such important people in the right direction.

Since my account has crawled out into the real world, I’ve been flooded with love. I’m reaching so many people that are so close to my heart. I’m helping people that need the guidance. I’ve been helping strangers for so long, but to help the very same people that you’ve laughed deep into the night with, the ones who you’ve watched ten episodes of The Office with and done favors for and worked on projects with and peppered a volleyball with, the ones you’ve tutored with and worked with and danced with and simply experienced life with, to help such intimate people…there are no words that can properly sum up the immense amount of love that is there.

I’m not one for regrets. I have a whole teenage-hood that I can dedicate to regrets, but I choose not to. Everything happens for a reason. In hindsight, I can see that my account’s exposure happened so my life can become so much richer, my relationships deeper, my identity stronger. But to a degree, I regret not starting the conversation of mental peace, of body positivity, of wellness and health and happiness sooner. All I can say is that I’m thankful to be in the lives of so many people, to have such an influence in aspects of life that are so vital. To my friends and family, thank you for accepting me, for letting me live my life to the fullest in your presence, for never rejecting who I am. Thank you for letting me, the complete and truest me, be in your lives. There is so much love.

Sending it all your way,

Angie

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