Pounding Pavement: A Life Update

Today I woke up in my own bed, at my own leisure, tied to zero obligations. I lounged in bed, taking in the sunlight streaming through my blinds and basking in the absence of an alarm. When my stomach grumbled, I threw on a sweatshirt and made my way downstairs. I asked my body what sounded good, and made that. It was all so simple, so seemingly effortless.

It was. But years ago, even months ago, it would have been impossible

Even a couple of months ago, my morning would have looked wildly different. My alarm would have been set for 5:00 AM, regardless of how I felt or how late I went to sleep the night before. I would have dragged myself to the gym, running on pre-workout and nothing more. I would have half-assed a workout that I wasn’t excited about. All I would be thinking about would be leaving the gym, and then rushing to make a breakfast that I was beyond hungry for. I would have inhaled it in seconds, not enjoying a single moment.

In short, my mornings used to be miserable. I longed for slow, leisurely mornings, but the fear of “losing my grip” held me back. I thought that the early mornings made me strong, put me above others, warranted a reputation of dedication, made me admirable. In reality, I was plateauing at the gym. Apparently, rising before the sun wasn’t enough for a good workout. I was burnt out. Every morning in the gym lacked passion and drive. Every workout was boring, hard, and not worth my time.

And then, one day I was over it.

It’s funny. That’s how most of my feats begin. Hitting rock bottom. Driven to the absolute edge. I’m all too familiar with how to navigate this situation. Once I finally hit the bottom, I lose all fear of the repercussions that held me back for so long. I remember thinking to myself one morning, as my 5:00 AM alarm blared into my pitch black room, “What if I just go back to bed”? And I did. And it was the beginning of bliss.

For about two months, I’ve been throwing the last of my cautions to the wind. I haven’t set an alarm in what feels like forever. I rise when my body is okay to do so. I make a breakfast that aligns with my cravings, not what I think I should be eating. I’ve been going to the gym when and if my body is ready to do so. Sometimes that’s after breakfast. Sometimes I find myself lounging on the couch instead, and don’t even think about the gym until much later in the afternoon.

I would have never allowed myself to rest before getting my workout in for the day. How selfish of me, to run myself straight into misery in hopes of being perceived a certain way. I had spent way too long obsessing over practices that were simply not healthy for me.

These past two months have been beyond insightful. I’ve never felt so close to myself in my life. Every action I take, I make sure I check in with myself first. Am I happy? Am I comfortable? Is this what I want? My body and mind are thanking me deeply.

This morning continued.

I finished breakfast and decided to run to the grocery store to grab some ingredients to bake later on. I brought my gym gear with me, figuring that once I finished I’d likely be ready to head over there and get a workout in. I was well fueled and well rested, and my body didn’t resist. However, on my way home, I drove past a park. I can’t explain what came over me, but in that moment all I wanted to do was run. I never run. At my worst, I used to force myself to run 8, 9, 10 miles a day while eating next to nothing. At my best, I simply found lifting to be more enjoyable and just happened to neglect running. I don’t know what it was. Maybe because I’m home and Christmas is so close, because it was fifty degrees in the middle of December, because I was finally surrounded by trees and wildlife after being away at school for months, maybe because my breakfast was just so delicious and I took time to mindfully enjoy it, maybe because, frankly, the leggings I was wearing were really freakin’ cute and I just wanted to show them off, or because the sun was shining and there was a slight breeze and the air was crisp…honestly, I don’t know. But I did know that in that moment, I wanted to run forever.

So I scrapped the gym. I went home, threw on another jacket and tossed my hair in a ponytail, grabbed my headphones, and I was off. A minute into my run and I already knew that I just felt GOOD.

I decided to take the route my mom takes, the one that I used to run with her when I was melting away at the flame of an eating disorder. The route she used to take without me when I was in the hospital, too weak to pound the pavement with her. The route that when I finally was better, I could barely keep up with without running out of breath every two minutes.

Today, I never felt stronger. Two months of fueling myself properly for my workouts has proved majorly successful. All of my workouts have been so FUN. I finally walk into the gym and want to be there. I feel inspired, not anxious. I want to push myself because my body isn’t suffering anymore. My workouts have been absolutely awesome, and I’ve never felt so strong before. It’s wild. It’s so damn wild, I’m telling you. I feared so deeply, for so long, that veering from my routine would be catastrophic, even if that routine was absolute misery.

My run was incredible. I was present, I was conscious, and I was thankful. The path that was ridden with times of sickness and depression was the same one that I was gliding across now, in health and happiness. It was deeply emotional for me to take in the same scenery in a new light. I felt so strong. I was genuinely shocked by how well I was doing. The run that used to take my mom and I forty-five minutes was one I had cleared in twenty-five. I was fast. I had no idea I was fast! And my stamina was ten times better than I could have expected.

I finished my run and sat down on my front lawn and laid in the sun and was just there, there in this state of pure bliss laced with gratitude. Thankful I had found the courage to let go, to find myself, and to respect that. We tend to find comfort in routine, even if that routine is the most uncomfortable set of acts in the world. Why? Because we have perfected that routine. And letting go of this routine means letting go of that perfection that others admire and respect us for. Why do we let other people come first? Why can’t we do what’s best for us?

Today’s run confirmed that the lifestyle changes I’ve made over the past months are the absolute best ones for me. I feel strong, I feel capable, I feel happy. I’m okay with the choices I make and no longer consider what others will think when making these decisions. It’s simply not part of the criteria anymore. Now that I’ve had a taste of this life, I can’t imagine going back.

It feels good to feel good. There is a wave of pure peace that washes over you when you finally let go. If you’re not moving your body in a way that excites you, then you’re not respecting yourself. The way you move should put a smile on your face. Even the mere thought of a run resulted in a huge smile on my face. I was excited to get out there, to move in that way. Let go of what you think you should be doing, and instead run full force toward what you want to do. It’s funny…I finally hand myself over to the unknown, where you would think I lack all freedom…and yet, I’ve never felt so free.